With a whole heart

Love is risky. It is far off from the sidelines of life, in fact it is right smack dab in the middle of the game where the action is live, rough and raw. It surfaces fear, insecurities, but adrenaline and endorphins as well. The very primitive of life.

It makes me think of my oldest who plays football. Standing at the line, head to head waiting on the whistle and the thrill of taking off, doing what he’s meant to do, meeting exhilaration and anticipation while risking himself to (bodily) harm. At least in the case of football, bodily and in love, yes there’s risk of being hurt there too.

A few years back a co-worker talked to me about imposter syndrome. She said I had it. To put it loosely, it’s being afraid people think too much of you and that maybe the longer they stick around, they’ll figure out that you aren’t so shiny and not so deserving of their affection/praise/advancement. Insert new beginnings here. My love and I talk about NRE (new relationship energy) a lot, ok we tease about it and the word shiny comes up a lot, or has until I admitted my desire for him to stop using it to describe himself. It carried this connotation that once he or I became “unshiny” our fraudulence would be discovered. And I have been utterly myself, admission of faults, insecurities and the raw facts of my life laid out early to give him a chance to run. And guess what? He’s still here, and sometimes it makes me weep.

I’ll be honest, he is shiny. I mean he’s living life, he is proud of his hard work, his kids, his relationships and who he is. He is unapologetic yet kind. He is an all in kind of guy, so this all in kind of girl was a bit taken aback to discover there really was someone out there for me despite my 43 year old collection of well, lots of unpleasant experiences he may or may not want to be connected to. And… (cue Entirety’s ability to overthink EVERYTHING) it is all a risk… it is all a god damn risk to believe in this thing called love, but even further to believe that it is meant for you at this time with this person. Because tomorrow…because who knows what tomorrow holds.

You probably have heard me talk about Brené Brown. She’s the author of Daring Greatly and Braving the Wilderness (And others). There’s this line from Daring Greatly that goes round and round my head and I am nearly sure I have mentioned it before. She talks about how there are no reassurances in life, I mean seriously, we are not even reassured our next breath!! And we are not reassured tomorrow or that even the person we love today, will love us tomorrow. And instead of using it as an excuse to stay out of the game and to avoid pain, it has motivated me to do what she implores in her book. To live all in today, to live wholeheartedly and true to my values, to my goals (which mostly consists of keeping me and 4 hoodlums alive), so that I can experience the joy of really living.

So I’m risking. Risking my heart and mind, by saying I am all in, me, just like this. Risking advancing into a new stage of life at the chance of failure, heartache and loss, but risking for the returns as well, to experience joy, wonder, beauty, pleasure and a full heart. If I’m not willing to put my heart out there, look at all I could miss out on. And there’s no god damn way I want to miss out on a single thing with this man.

©️Entirety 2018