The Ones You Fuck Up #excerpt #ADateintheLife

I’ve said it before, being separated in my late 30’s was hard for many reasons. I was finally done childbearing, breastfeeding and the sleepless nights that came with early parenting.  My sex drive took notice of the increase in energy and of possibility. My spouse on the other hand did not take notice of my sex drive.  

So when we mutually agreed that we were done with our marriage, I could think about one thing.

Yup. That thing.

Our marriage didn’t dissolve because I wanted to have sex and he didn’t. It wasn’t as simple as that, or as shallow. But nonetheless I thought I was starving. And what do starving people do? They hide behind their phones looking at food, talking about food, writing about food, but not eating said food.

Imagine a tightly coiled spring.   

…and no place to unwind. Like me and at least 70% of other people on Twitter, that is.

The only place I had begun to interact with men was on Twitter. And as much as you could imagine, my imagination just made my spring wind a little tighter, if that was at all possible.

Speed ahead to five months after our separation and I take a girls trip to England and Scotland.

I write about my very first dating experience after separation with some delicacy. Listening ears, reading eyes, whichever you may have it are still within reach, and I hope he knows I am forever grateful for the way he treated this fucked up woman he met on an internet whim.

Flat out, I wasn’t ready. But I wanted a tipping point. You know, the moment of no return, where you can’t go back, no crying Uncle, but I wanted the finality of finally doing the deed with another man other than the one I gave my virginity to. Because after that, it’s all over right? (Well it was over, I think subconsciously I just wanted to prove that it was.) As a side note, I heard a counsellor once say many seperated people do this when they leave their marriage, it just took me five months to do it…and to do it badly.

I was thousands of miles from home, feeling free as a bird, empowered by this new found freedom so I took a risk and met a friend from the internet. We spent a lovely few days in London seeing the sights, and it was pretty darn romantic. Hand holding through Green Park, laying in the sun together in St James Park and kissing along Tower Bridge in the rain. My gut said to leave it there. (My gut is almost always right.) 

I didn’t listen to my gut.

I ended up in Gatwick, off the main line of the tube system unable to return to my bestie until morning and outside of a very sick kid, this was one of the longest nights of my life.   4am I sat fully dressed on a hotel floor crying while an oblivious man lay on the bed next to me sawing logs. I even put my necklace back on and when I was tired from crying and feeling alone in a strange city with a strange man I crawled into the other side of the bed fully clothed and slept on the edge.

Morning came (literally that was all that came) and I couldn’t have felt more anxious about getting out of there. Like a rabid dog in a cage I was ready to bolt the second I was back in neutral territory. He took me to the train station and offered to ride me back… (yeah yeah) and I declined, hopefully graciously. I remember seeing his face as the train left the station, him standing on the platform looking at the train slowly moving towards London and I have never felt more like a giant embarrassing let down in all my life.  

I walked the streets of London until I found a Starbucks (and wifi) and finally could connect with a friend in North America.  My bestie, god love her, was anxiously waiting to hear from me in my time zone, but the shame associated with this night was a little much to handle face to face so I opted for text where I could hide.  
That’s what fuck ups do, you screw something up whether intentionally or not and the inclination towards shame and hiding runs hot through your blood.
Stepping out to explore dating (and yes, sex) mid life, with all my hang ups and ongoing heartwork made me face my truths, my paradigm, and man oh man, was my paradigm shifting.  I never did promiscuity as a young adult, I would never have condoned meeting a stranger from the internet, and sex outside of marriage… well let’s just say I had a lot of refurbishing to do in this brain of mine.  

For all the fun I have had discovering a whole new world, I have found equally as much fodder for evaluating the person I want to be, the things I want to believe and the ways I want to see.

If anything, dating was just another catalyst, to be brave enough to take a look inside, at the risks I was willing to take to live wholeheartedly.  And the ones you fuck up…those aren’t the only ones that teach you about yourself thankfully, but you take the good with the bad, and transform.  Some may even say, you rewrite yourself.  And that’s exactly what I did.

©Entirety 2017

*For other facetious (and sometimes illuminating) pokes at dating midlife check out my A Date in the Life on Wattpad…just be careful if you have anything in your mouth at the time…lest you ruin your electronics.*. http://my.w.tt/UiNb/8Bvqqd7p8D 

Anatomically Emotional #junefalls 

ūüď∑Found on Pinterest

‪An unsuspecting village‬

‪Of vessels & muscles‬

‪Invaded not‬

‪With further‬

‪Anatomical features‬

‪But instead‬

‪With blatant emotional‬

‪And sensual ones‬

‪Until love blew up the damn thing‬

‪Leaving it & me in pieces‬


‪It is no coincidence‬

‪That both the heart beating‬

‪And the heart loving‬

‪Are both responsible for life‬

‪And that neither one‬

‪Can we go without‬

‪And that both requires‬

‪A surgeon of its own kind‬

‪To piece us together‬

‪After the walls‬

‪Have been damaged‬

‚Ä™And we’ve fallen‚Ĩ

‪Apart‬

©Entirety 2017

Barrelling Down this Track #poetry 

‚Ä™I’ve travelled this track

‬‪One too many times‬

‪With obsolete meaning‬

‪With lines‬

‪Forced in a direction‬

‚Ä™I’d rather not go‚Ĩ

‪At the mercy‬

‪Of a heart‬

‚Ä™That doesn’t know how to stop‚Ĩ

‪Or even‬

‪If it wants to‬

©Entirety 2017

Photo found on tumblr

Regal Innocence #poetry

Photo found on Pinterest


~
She is the child queen

Innocent of the jaded

Ways of love

And regal in her desire to uphold

The magic

She believes exists

Inside this eternal illusive flame 

©Entirety 2017

The Bloom #poetry

ūüď∑Pinterest


Love grew in the shape

Of dark velvet blooms

That bled when it rained

Sparkled in the dew

And pricked the hands

That attempted to steal her glow

She grew selfish for the sun

Raging when it didn’t show

And withered chasing the heat

That couldn’t staunch the flow

Of the madness inside her

When she went without

~

She just wasn’t created

To go without

~

©Entirety 2017

Her Skirt #poetry


She always saved the dress for him

But it was really about the dance

The way she knew his eyes travelled
The hem of her skirt

As she twirled

And that everything beneath

Lay within his grasp

©Entirety 2017

Home #poetry

I woke up with my eyes

on the prize

Yet one foot dangling to the floor

The other itching for the door

Wanting your life in mine

hesitating for fear

Yet in the darkness a light loomed

something greater

i just knew

we were made for one another

 

How you saw the distrust in my face

But afraid I was to look away

with the horses running wild

In your eyes
 

You said,

“take my hand,

so you know

you escape out that door

i’ll follow right behind.”

I shook my head and smiled

I knew those words he’d stand by

“i’ll chase your heart

Into the sky,” he said,

“Then capture stars for your flight

give you the sweetest goodbye

if that is what you want

but I’m guessing as you slow

what you’d like is a home

in this garden of my heart.”

 

 

I wasn’t going anywhere

this much I knew

as he made his stance clear

mine was clearer so

 

“Hold me now”

i said,

“i want to be the diamonds in your sky

and whatever else makes you wild

And lets make our home here

burying our fears

taking risks on love

something tells me

this is exactly where we need to be

 

Found in one another

©Entirety 2017

 

 

The Storm #poetry

Falling under your sky
I heard the lightening release
The sound of a heart
Giving in
And I was struck
In ways I just don’t understand
Glued to the ground
Waiting for your next move
I knew it was a risk
Going out in this storm

©Entirety 2017

Art by Louis Jover